Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   The fastest way to confuse a woman is to tell her she looks great now that she's gained a couple of pounds.

   It's sad how an animal like a dog shows more humanity than humans do.

   Coworker: I saw you at Starbucks this morning but didn't say hi Me: Thanks

   There's still so much I have to unlearn.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   My kinda woman has more sex swings than mood swings.

   It's so depressing how the <3 symbol looks like someone dropped their ice cream cone.

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   The number of STDs she can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

   If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date.

   Some people solely exist to test your patience and self-control.

   Liquor stores should deliver to do their part to help with the drunk driving problem.

   I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Adele. Will I murder you? Will I buy you a puppy? You never know.

   If you decide to walk a mile in my shoes, it will likely just be a mile of circles looking for the remote.

   What if NASCAR is really just rednecks saying "nice car"

   It's totally ok to create a Facebook account for your pet, provided you have severe mental retardation.

   Women who claim their favorite TV show is Keeping Up With The Kardashians, are just confessing they'll give blow jobs for a shopping spree.

   Kim Kardashian is back in the studio, working on an album? She's turning her sex tape into a musical?

   I'm just looking for a reason not to drink

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.