JAKE Funny Status Messages

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   Thank you student loans for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

   I will only date a woman 3 times. I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared my wife will find out.

   Why is it called mooning when you're actually showing uranus?

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.