Funny Status Messages

   A condom is a diaper for your privates

   If I ever get married, I'm thinking it will be closed casket

   Just got my wish list returned from Santa. The note attached said, "LMBO... NO!

   The air outside feels like a Newport menthol 100

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work, and the other half aren't so bright.

   Wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and have them call me when it's ready to be picked up.

   The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page.

   Pro Tip: no one will notice your holiday weight gain if you carry a pie everywhere

   People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders

   I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.