Funny Status Messages

   Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.

   I called my wife to tell her I'd seen a bear on the way to work. She asked how I knew it was on its way to work. I hung up on her.

   Screwed around and used all my sick days. Now I gotta call in dead.

   I guess they had to invent artificial intelligence since real intelligence is running out.

   Can we please stop the spin the wheel crap when visiting a website already?

   Sometimes I think about deleting all social media and living in a cabin in the woods. Then I remember I like online shopping.

   I love that I have a positive mental attitude. I'm positive. I'm mental. And I definitely have attitude.

   Marriage tip: Always keep your spouse as the center on your phone. That way, whenever you need some encouragement, you can look at your phone and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to this person for so long, I can get through anything".

   They say that the machines of the future will be as smart as people. Which people? It kind of matters.

   Marriage tip: Always let your wife know that you are all about fighting for women's rights. Especially the right to remain silent. There's no reason she needs to talk so much. It's not like appliances are voice activated.