Mike M Funny Status Messages

   thinks the Winter Olympics would be a lot more interesting if they gave the spectators shotguns and told them to shoot at the skiers! There'd be more speed records that's for darn sure.

   had a flying dream last night!  It was awesome, I felt just like a bird so I pooped on someone's car!

   You know those couples where the wife is 40 something and looks like 20 something, and the husband makes over 100k and the teenagers are respectful and good looking and they go out to eat together on Friday nights as a family? I HATE those people!

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   wants to wish everyone a happy Mother's Eve, not to be confused with Summer's Eve... a feminine hygiene product.

   better pay his COX cable bill before they cut our COX off...

   My friend Ryan is going to attempt to get his vasectomy reversed tomorrow. I told him they could make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private."

   at the circus watching a guy shoot out of a cannon. I thought, "Half of me wants to do that sometime.". Then I thought, "Half of me already did do that the day I was conceived!"

   can't seem to turn off the wildlife feature on his GPS... every now and then it tells me, "In 500 feet, bear left!" Like that's not gonna scare the crap out of me!

   REAL! Don't let facebook fool you... Just because you can't smell, taste, or grab him through your computer screen does not mean he doesn't exist. Have faith little one, and your devotion will be rewarded...

   doesn't think them as underwear, he sees them more as a manhole cover.

   says, "Hello Monday..." the same way Jerry Seinfeld says, "Hello Newman..."

   I wish my laundry were more like me and do itself.

   just learned that the human head weighs about 10lbs. So if you're looking to loose those last pesky 10lbs... it looks like you should stop using the treadmill and start using the guillotine.

   ‎"He's a nurse." and "He's a cheerleader." sound the same to me.

   Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!

   This status update takes place between 9:00pm and 10:00pm. Statuses happen in real time.

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the border! 

   Chili usually comes to my rescue when I have things trapped in a hole.

   traveling deep into Mordor and picking up the kid's from Sauron's house.