Jake Funny Status Messages

   My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.

   Another woman cause me to leave my wife. It was her mother.

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   . I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.