Jake Funny Status Messages

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.

   The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   I will only date a woman 3 times. I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared my wife will find out.