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X Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
X One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole day is a good day.
X before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a f*ck what you think.
X I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
X Life is about kicking ass, not kissing it.
X What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
X I never judge people by the way they look. Which, in your case, must be a relief.
X My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.
X Been watching two black guys shake hands for the past 37 minutes.
X Ladies, I'm already fat, so you know what I'll look like after we get married.
X Some day I will climb into the back of a taxi in the pouring rain and the driver will say "Where to buddy?" and I will say "Just drive."
X I just want to live in a world where Chicken Pot Pies don't take 45 damn minutes to bake. Scientists, drop what you're doing.
X my ex texted me like, "You can delete my number." I texted back like "Who this?"
X I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
X "Hello 911?" "There's a guy on TV that wants me to feed kids in Africa 15 pennies a day and I'd like to file a complaint... Yes, I'll hold."
X I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.
X In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done.
X I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap... Sell it for 1.8 million and retire.... That's my plan.
X I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.
X I'm learning Spanish! Lesson 1 is pronunciation. So far I know "huh", "I'm sorry what" & "Can you say that again please"