Tommy Chevelle Funny Status Messages

   to AVOID any embarassing incidents...I've equipped my BEER GOGGLES with windshield wipers.

   says it's no wonder the Earth ALWAYS wins the Miss Universe Competition....No other planet has EVER entered the competition!

   when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!

   when I was a YOUNG artist.... my box of CRAYONS would only last ONCE...I would burn and MELT them into ART!

   with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!

   you know you're getting OLD when your BRAND NEW car you drove in high school now qualifies for an ANTIQUE car tag.

   ladies, regardless of where you like it...just don't ask us to hold it.

   everyone was clapping for me when I got off the plane...I bet those military guys behind me were jealous.

   Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.

   in the latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress...and you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.

   the deputy in the van did NOT think it was funny when I pulled along side the striped uniform worker and yelled "QUICK, GET IN!"

   my method of Resistance Training is just NOT working out!

   having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top!

   at my age it's not my cereal, but my body that goes SNAP, CRACKLE and POP!

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   when I got pulled over, the cop said he clocked me doing 75 mph in 55 mph zone. I asked "WHERE D'YA GET THAT APP?"

   I had a FULL SLAB of chicken RIBS for lunch, and I'm still hungry.

   prostitutes have the best job! They SELL their body.... and then they get to keep it!

   I will abide by every single law and regulation while driving...not because I'm a good driver, but because there's a COP behind me.

   I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee...so I pulled over and fertilized your crops.