@cdowney84 Funny Status Messages

   Good Idea: Trying to talk your way out of a ticket Bad Idea: Telling the cop that he/she is very attractive, and that's not just the booze talking.

   shoutout to all the ugly b!tch's who have "pretty girl rock" as their ringtone.

   I hate it when I go for a hug, and she goes for a handshake. >:(

   If the Dove is the bird of love, then the bird of birth control is the Swallow.

   does anyone else only watch the show "Hardcore Pawn" cause they read the title wrong? Asking for a friend.

   do me a favor, next time you have to "go to the left of your profile and select the first 8 friends", just go ahead and punch yourself in the face. And remember, NO CHEATING!!

   I attend wedding simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."open bar"

   I DIDN'T SAY THAT YOUR GIRL WAS A $LUT! I MERELY INDICATED THAT HER "PRIVATE PARTS" WERE MORE LIKE "PUBLIC PARTS"

   There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

   I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

   I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

   So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding, right?

   Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this op

   I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."

   Chris Brown & I have a totally opposite understanding of the term "I'de hit that"

   The best part about the daylight savings tonight is that I get to hear last call called twice.

   I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean...

   Biggest turn on: When a girl picks the iron as her Monopoly piece.

   I'm not saying she is a $lut or anything, but if her v@gina was password protected, it would probably be "1234"

   Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!