Goober Peas Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.
←Rate | 01-11-2013 20:15 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ
←Rate | 09-05-2012 10:14 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ
←Rate | 01-12-2013 19:37 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ
←Rate | 01-10-2013 12:42 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ
←Rate | 10-26-2013 19:02 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon Its all fun and games until the K9 unit shows up and they tell you to pop open the trunk ツ
←Rate | 01-11-2013 10:18 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? ツ
←Rate | 01-06-2013 14:24 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon Irish I was drunk already ツ
←Rate | 03-17-2013 11:06 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today, I just appreciate my middle finger. It always sticks up for me ツ
←Rate | 01-15-2013 12:37 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ
←Rate | 01-14-2013 22:23 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm a passionate supporter of things that don't inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort ツ
←Rate | 01-08-2013 10:58 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't mean to brag, but after 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still have sex almost every night. We almost had it Friday night, almost Saturday, almost… ツ
←Rate | 01-21-2013 14:04 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ
←Rate | 01-14-2013 12:53 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ
←Rate | 01-29-2013 10:53 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon Well, it's looks like a, 'brush my teeth on my shirt sleeve and head to Walmart' kinda day ツ
←Rate | 01-06-2013 12:27 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too ツ
←Rate | 08-30-2012 10:16 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon Even at 50 years old, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ
←Rate | 01-13-2013 20:49 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon Opportunity only knocks once. If there's any more than that, it's prolly a Jehovah's Witness ツ
←Rate | 01-02-2013 19:20 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon Having hemorrhoids isn't so bad. All of the itching gives you something to do with your hands when you quit smoking ツ
←Rate | 01-16-2013 12:30 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ
←Rate | 01-04-2013 09:06 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  



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