@ballysboots Funny Status Messages

   I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said "It's a bit late for you Kathy, isn't it ?". She said "I couldn't sleep". I said "That's not what I meant, you fat b*tch"....

   "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."

   Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic"

   My mate asked me,"Do you like Tom Hanks movies?" I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan..."

   I found out two interesting things last night: 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbours have bought a new hot tub.....

   My wife is a mute. She communicates by embroidery. It's her own version of sign language, sew to speak....

   My dad said if I keep typing really loudly he's going to smash my face into the keynvjkFh;whg

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   URGENT message to all ginger girls: Dont have a Brazilian; it looks like a fish finger....

   I keep putting things in the wrong containers in the kitchen. I don't think it's Alzheimers. That's a different kettle of fish...

   Things I have noticed today: Horse meat found in Tesco burgers... and camel toe found in Primark leggings...

   The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours. But can my wife tell the difference between red and green? Four hundred quid for a new bumper says no....

   Thought for the day: An HMV gift card is not just for Christmas.... it's for life...

   My wife said to me "Look, I need to talk to you about your fixation with sh it". "Pull up a stool," I replied.

   My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you always blame everyone else when things go wrong." I said, "And who's fault is that...?"

   Benedict XVI won't even be able to sell his hat on eBay. He's closed his papal account...

   Benedict XVI won't even be able to flog his hat on ebay. He's closed his papal account....

   My wife announced that she was leaving me because of my obsession with baking. I said, "there's no knead for that cupcake..."

   On Twitter, I keep seeing the hashtag #nowthatchersdead. Just to clarify, Cher isn't dead....

   I bet John Lennon would have loved online transactions. Imagine all the PayPal...