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Day 7 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks 
No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Think I'm starting to lose a little weight while one a new diet plan thats really working for me that's called the "Eat less so I don't have to go to the supermarket as often" diet plan.
Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy. Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
The worst five words are "can I have a bite."
Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.
Dating is like going to garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 21 minutes
I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.
How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.
We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.
My guess is that few Children are named Siri or Alexa anymore.
I find it very irritating when someone knocks on the door then when you ask who it is they say 'ME' .Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked, Seriously Now!
I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late and all the good choices are already taken.
"We be bobsleddin'." The Winter Olympics Bobsled Team 