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Hey, do you think the next Rocky movie will have a fight scene in the cafeteria over the thermostat? 
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight... ...and now he's refolding them.
"why do they have such a nice house?" -- my review of every movie
Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.
"I AM A WARRIOR" Sorry, worrier. I am a worrier.
I never know what to do with all the fast food condiments I bring home from restaurants but I sure am ready for the trick-or-treaters this year!
The probability of someone looking at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don't lie either.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Kids and their Halloween costumes. We were so poor when I was a kid, my Mom drew on our faces with an El Marko, and we trick or treated for canned food. NO MA'AM, I'll TAKE THE CANNED CORN.
Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion
y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.
Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement. 