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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined? 
If you find a snake skin somewhere, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. Same principle if you find candy wrappers in my trash
Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.
A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.
I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed
When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.
Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight
Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.
NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit
You've reached expert Dad level when you can't drive by a gas station without commenting on the price.
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.
Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.
Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.
The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
sure your baby is cute and all but what does it do? 