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I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties. 
Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !
Roll over Beethoven...:(
Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.
A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss
Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.
I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.
At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
1977: stayin’ alive 2020: stayin’ alive
I've been all across this nation Traveled by train, plane, bus and car And I've never met one person that makes zzz sounds when they sleep
Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year, ..today I bought a 5lb bag.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
It used to be a sign that you were low on money when you took all of your loose change into the store. Today, because of a national coin shortage, I kinda felt like I was flaunting my wealth.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Man claims his body only fights viruses on Saturdays and Sundays. His doctors say he has a weekend immune system. 