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Wonder how those “I’ll never spank my Children doing” parents are doing. Y’all Good ? 
You can still have sex during the quarantine as long as you stay 6 feet apart and there are less than 10 people, right?
Just walked into the shower with my underwear on... how’s everybody else’s quarantine going?
I'm not sure I'm excited about ordering a drink at a bar once they open again. The drinks are going to be awfully weak compared to what I've been pouring!!
Congratulations to the astronauts
that left Earth today.
Good choice.
The only thing that scares me about this whole election is the Sunday drivers out on a Tuesday.
I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.
I'm not very good at human interaction. Would you mind leaving the room & texting me about this? Thanks.
My wife didn't appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
The key to an unhealthy relationship is being with me.
My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.
Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.
My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.
Facebook is comprised of psych0s. 49% make you think that their lives are the most perfect thing ever, and the other 49% make you think that their lives are the worst thing ever. The other 2% are you n' me.
I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food
I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.
I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.
The person that thinks they're always right is the one person you want to be always wrong
I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.
This bottle of wine mixed with Adele blasting through my headphones probably means I'll be crying on the bathroom floor sooner than later. 