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"Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever. 
Calm her down. Women love to be calmed down.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
An apple a day is bull crap.... Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Whenever I'm walking down the street and see a car stopped at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park here."
Just got my E-Harmony results. They match me with a computer, a chair, and a bottle of lotion.
Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked, while trying to find new people to see naked?
Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.
Sorry I followed your minivan for thirty miles. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ended.
For a song called " piano man" dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up
At what point did Cardi B think to herself, "I'm tired of this life, I should try to be a singer," while she was dancing around the stripper pole?
Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.
I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.
I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus Kung Flu?
Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!
This quarantine got me thinking… What did our parents do to pass time before the Internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them knew either. 