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How did people get their blessings before Facebook was around for them to type Amen and share? 
My girlfriend is training for 2020 Olympics where she'll be competing in the Conclusion Jump.
Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.
Russia hacked my Yahoo email, which now explains why those hot singles never responded ...
What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?
When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?
All of these special little "holidays..." I heard they were gonna have a national "I Don't Give A Sh*t" day... But no one gave a sh*t so it never happened.
Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."
" Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "
Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.
If you get a Facebook friend request from Lizzie Borden, don't accept it or you will be hacked.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!
We need more statues of naked women
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.
Rich men treat ladies the way ladies treat broke men.
There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right. 