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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door. 
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I want an app to mute nearby people.
As far as my liver knows, today's my birthday....
If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.
Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....
Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.
I'm trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
FB Live? The whole point of Facebook was that we wouldn't have to see anyone live.
I bet if Bon Jovi could turn back time he wouldn't do those gawd awful DirecTV commercials.
If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.
Done! Just completed my weekend to-do list from 2007.
When I talk to myself,,, it's probably medically classified as Tourette's.
Remember kids, with that Bachelors Degree you can run the fry machine, but with a Masters you can start as Assistant Manager.
The wrist Kris Jenner broke in a car crash hopefully isn't the one she uses for gold digging.
Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion. 