Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s. 
someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that
Before you get serious with a girl, spend some time around her and her mom. You need to observe the future crazy before moving too fast.
People who say "only God can judge me" don't know how Twitter trolls work.
"Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊
People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...
Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...
My Chinese pal is very upset about Peter Tork, and has been muttering "I'm a bereaver" all day?
I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.
Bill Gates is telling everyone what to do about the virus but he can't even stop windows from getting a virus...
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.
Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."
I love snow – People who never shovel
I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.
I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.
Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.
When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls. 