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Quick! Sign here ______, here ______ and on this side ______, done! I'll explain on our honeymoon. 
Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.
Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?
Worse thing about having a couple ex's in group of friends. I always have to check the attending list on Facebook events before confirming.
Every time I found something to eat in the refrigerator, I feel like I found a treasure.
Someone needs to tell Dominique Strauss-Kahn that in this country bankers are only allowed to screw their customers.
It's great having a JOB that leaves me Just Over Broke.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!
A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.
Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.
We are the WTF generation : Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.
Bill Gates is telling everyone what to do about the virus but he can't even stop windows from getting a virus...
RIP Mainstream Media.
If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.
Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7 