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Insomnia is like Viagra; It can keep you up all night. 
guys are like dogs, put them on a leash and they'll be chassin every puss in sight!
the letter after W and the letter before Y...duh?! :)
having a "foodgasm".
Its so cold, Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick
A latte should NOT take this long to make! This had better taste like it came from the tit of Angelina Jolie's.
never meddles in the affairs of dragons, for he is crunchy and good with ketchup
Tiger Woods is struggling with his driving. A pull to the left got him into tree trouble.
Good news. Jesus has risen. Bad news. He will need to be quarantined for 14 days
Happy earth day, earth. Sorry we're destroying your ass.
Now that Scott Pruitt is gone, I fully expect the new E.P.A. Chief to eventually admit that manmade global warming is real and then quickly attribute it to gay marriage.
I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.
Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over
I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps
im not rich so I'll put a midget in my back pocket so my wallet looks bigger
Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
If I was invisible I would be the most Boobie feelinest..Bank robbinest...person this side of the mississippi....Nite yall
If your ship has sailed, chase that damn thing down!
Most of the time I think i'd be better off talking to a wall other than you
If you lose something let it go, but when it comes back, that's how you know.
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