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Actually my ex was a good cook, I have the waist to prove it, nothing else. 
When it rains in LA it's the tears of all the unemployed party clowns.
Can you imagine Augustus-flavored chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew. No one would buy it
If I ome to your house, I'd appreciate it if you tell me which furniture you've had sex on before I sit down. Thanks. y
Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS!
Since Congress declared that pizza is a vegetable you wouldn't be surprised if they made mayonnaise an instrument
I say we consolidate all ska bands into one giant ska band, unless that's what happened already.
Death is at the NBA's door and Stern just invited it in for a cup of tea.
I'm at work and keep hitting ESC on my keyboard, but I'm still here....I think my keyboard is broken!!!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who invented dino nuggets had a heck of a time trying to explain to everyone else what he was aiming to achieve.
Definition of Happy: When the police check-point station picks the car behind to pull over for random search
I've learnt that money can't buy love, it can only buy you attention and company while it lasts.
You know you back in Miami, when You pull up to a light and a Bum throws a quarter at you.
if you dont remember ever when MTV actually had music vidoes, then you not a true 90's kid
Am I the only one who thought of chicks with flat asses when they saw "Happy National Pancake Day"?
This morning at breakfast, I think I got some cheap Russian Alphabits - half of the R's were backwards!
shopping for a butler monkey on craigslist
Bodies always understand each other, even when the souls do not.
<----Thinks it adds more stress going to a Spa and paying $ 160 an hour for Swedish !
the four leaf clover in a field of life. 