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I can't sleep! I didn't forward a chain message earlier. Now I'm afraid that the dead girl will appear by my bedside while I'm sleeping : / 
My wish for you is to get genit@l w@rts from Honey Boo's momma. But I mean that in a nice way...
of course Herbalife is a legitimate company. To prove it, they just hired Lance Armstrong as their new spokesman!!
OMG Scandal is on tonight!!! No not the show on ABC about some crazy government plot theories with every twist and turns......Just another senate meeting about guns and busted
Don't worry about horse meat in tesco burgers, cos its part of a stable diet
Great innovation idea, pressure-less Air Fresheners. The sound isn't a necessary reminder of what just happened in the loo.
There is a special place in hell for people who name their kids after their exes.
fights so dirty, he has never had makeup sex. It usually violates the restraining order.
I'm playing a key role in making ironing extinct.
Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance, now it's a class C Felony
You’re all dying anyway so why not just go buy some KFC. (Those guys need to let me do their ads).
Life just handed me Lemon Pledge, I guess it wants me to dust.
If what I just did in that Koreatown restaurant bathroom gets back to Kim Jong-un,, we're all doomed
I hate how my child always moan about how much I drink. I'm tired of having to remind him that if it weren't for the alcohol, he wouldn't even exist.
I always keep a gun in my glove box. Not for safety. For making people exit a moving vehicle when they b!tch about me listening to Bob Dylan
There is a whole market of fools out there who are willing to buy any product no matter how outrageous and absurd it may be to the average thinking man.
Well YES,,,, Actually, I've been published in Several bathrooms throughout the Northeast...
Damn! Freddie Mercury has never looked better!!
I thought the term "chillaxin" meant chilling at home with laxatives. Looks like it's going to be a long night.
my mother always told me , believe none of what yah hear, and only half of what yah see 