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Has your credid card ever been frozen due to suspicious behaviour? "Let's go over your recent transaction history...it seems like you have been to a lot of bars lately." F*ck, don't judge my Monday nights.... 
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making....
Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....when is it safe to leave the witness protection program??
I had a dream last night that I was a kid and my big and middle toes were missing. I yelled for my mom and told her. She said, "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure one went to market and the other one's having roast beef."
Every time I have to dress up in this killing heat I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and start putting on my clothes….
There I was just standing there minding my own business when some jerk behind me screams for me to drop my weapon and put my hands on top of my head ..... Some people really have a lot of nerve.
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them
If pizza was a person, it would win the Nobel Peace Prize every year.
I'm looking to make some extra beer money so I'm painting these ibuprofen blue
you're saying, "... People who post things like this are why I fear for our future." Just because you're perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect; you might be hopelessly unhappy with yourself.
i must be old school, I prefer 720p to 1080p.
Don't drive while sending mixed messages.
We as a species want what we can't have and ignore the really great things sitting right in front of us I'm massaging my nipples right now!
Florida is for the newly weds and nearly dead
definition of Irony: Pizza & beer with my awesome wife watching Hell'sKitchen Kitchen!!!!
I used to think the first line in the Australian national anthem was "Australians all eat ostriches" but then realised, it would make more sense if it was emus
Don't attack others when the beef is with yourself.
if you post : finally Iphone 5 with a picture of the new phone attached ! I hope it will fall and break.j
If you listen closely to your body while working out, you can hear the calories singing "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn".
Armageddon's all around us, the Mayans say prepare to fight. So if I gotta die I'm gonna listen to my body tonight. They say two thousand-one-two party over, protect yourself...so tonight I'm gonna party like it's two thousand and twelve. 