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Facebook in 2014 is a few people screaming from a mostly empty stage who don't realize that everyone in the audience has gone home. 
every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps
Expensive jeans will NOT hide an expansive backside.
I WAS ASKED to judge a "wet t-shirt" competition last night. Not a cake job, they were all equally wet.
You are dating 4 people simultaneously and you say you are in a relationship? No hoe, you are in an 0rgy.
In high school, I used to assist my teacher in Spanish class by "interpretive dancing" her lesson off to the side for "clarification"
When our dog, Brittany, was just a puppy, I had to teach her how to drink water from a bowl. My wife was concerned that the water wasn't very clean. I assured her that it was... I flushed it three times.
Breaking news: Police managed to floor Matt with no Sweat...
"I enjoy long walks on the ocean"......................
I've had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastids still haven't grown any crops.
I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen
Watching people breathe gives me motion sickness.
Missed connection: You were at the gym. I wasn't.
Life is about what you do after the knock happens.
Anyone at the self checkout you get an employee discount
Return to work after vacation with fresh, re-energized hatred for your job.
When you take away the purchasing power away from the hands of the majority and put it in the hands of the few, you have a housing crisis. By that I mean not enough palaces.
Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.
I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry
To Those Who Are Single. Have A Happy Go F#ck Yourself Day. . . 