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Oh, how I love being awake at stupid o'clock 
Underestimate my crazy to activate my crazy.
There is a thick line between ok sex and awesome sex.
Every time I see you I ask myself why the hell are you still alive.
"No, honey, I don't talk about you on Facebook." *enables passcode lock on phone*
Every computer is a laptop if you're not a little b*tch about it.
If you are offended by the opinions I express then you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
If I bite the bottom of my lip, it's not because I want you. It's because I have a piece of skin hanging off it that I'm trying to get off.
My girlfriend's bra is even harder to take off when she's yelling at me and I'm wearing it.
I forgot to put on my bike shorts before riding today. That really chaps my a$$!!
Somewhere out there a woman just called the football a “weird ball thingy” as a man sits nearby contemplating the consequences of murder.
Hey girls, quit leaving random bullsh*t at his house, like an old toothbrush or one sock. Leave your kids. HE'LL CALL. He'll call all day.
You're aying, "There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet." َ A loyal stranger is better than a greedy and two faced friend.
Gas so high in Brockton that it hasn't been a drive-by in 2 months.”
I sat in my stand for hours with not one deer coming by. Then in a matter of minutes, I bag 4 big bucks! Thanks to the Deer Hunter Game, my morning wasn't a total loss.
There is no difference between a camel and a moose...unless you're looking at their toes and their knuckles.
Nothing for the spank bank at the gym today. Did have a few eat less motivators, though.
Can your tongue come out to play with my tongue?
If you can't be a nice person then at least be really good looking.
my mature level IS , I still giggle when singing about nuts in christmas carols 