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I forgot to put on my bike shorts before riding today. That really chaps my a$$!! 
Somewhere out there a woman just called the football a “weird ball thingy” as a man sits nearby contemplating the consequences of murder.
Hey girls, quit leaving random bullsh*t at his house, like an old toothbrush or one sock. Leave your kids. HE'LL CALL. He'll call all day.
You're aying, "There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet." َ A loyal stranger is better than a greedy and two faced friend.
Gas so high in Brockton that it hasn't been a drive-by in 2 months.”
I sat in my stand for hours with not one deer coming by. Then in a matter of minutes, I bag 4 big bucks! Thanks to the Deer Hunter Game, my morning wasn't a total loss.
There is no difference between a camel and a moose...unless you're looking at their toes and their knuckles.
Nothing for the spank bank at the gym today. Did have a few eat less motivators, though.
Can your tongue come out to play with my tongue?
If you can't be a nice person then at least be really good looking.
At the 2010 Winter Olympics, I brought home the gold for smushing down the garbage so I don't have to bring it outside.
I've only been in this city 2 nights and already there are 4 bars I can never go back to
Sorry I set up a smoke machine and played The Undertaker's theme song at your grandmother's funeral.
What happens when you eat pizza everyday for every meal? Asking for a ninja turtle.
There is a thin line between girlfriend allowance and a prostitute's fee. Jokes.
keep your friends close, your shotgun closer.
Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth.
I think women should be put on the front lines of any military assault force once a month. PMS+ gun = unstoppable.
Coffee is that one friend who believes in you and always wants you to succeed.
Why you miserable cork-soaker!
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