Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Before you decide to just stay home tonight remember, Beastie Boys have fought and died for your right to party.

   The reasons the jokes here are getting lame is because everyone of the good ones is stolen from Twitter and everyone is starting to get sick of it!

   If I was a cave man. I'd be the one who hunts sloths. In my condition, those buggers are fast

   “Use divorce, Luke...” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor

   Dora: where are we going? Me: to candy mountain! :D

   explains Impotence: Its nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

   That awkard moment when you really wished Kayne West had intrrupted the Casey's Not Guilty Verdict.

   Ingredients of who I am today; my past, my history, my success, my triumphs, my failures, my mistakes, my regrets, my attitude and my confidence.

   it's so hot out today that the squirrels are wearing oven mitts to hold their own nuts.

   TRUE STORY: I got 99 chargers but my phone aint 1

   Dear people: Stop drunk texting. Sincerely, Cell Phone Companies

   Who wants to bet I don't have a gambling problem?

   So technically you are not supposed to EAT meat on Fridays but is it okay to just swallow it?

   Went fishing today and was fairly successful. Caught 2 pounds of tilapia, using $13 cash for bait.

   Don't you hate when your sleeping meds wear off and the kid starts b!tching about being hungry. You're killing my buzz, kid.

   If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don't eat it: It's probably poison.

   Ate a porcupine for lunch and now isn't feeling well. I think it was spiked

   I'v got a demon in me,evrything I touch goes wrong-The Hangover 2 ♥

   "Hello this is Rachel at card holders services." I wish I knew where she lived cause I would Knock the snot out of her then I would call her 20 times a day and say "Hello this is cyndi with knock the snot out of you services how did it feel."

   I look at cold sores as a reflection of too much trust