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Lesson I Learned From My Kid #122: NEVER underestimate the rejuvenating powers of a spaghetti sauce facial/body scrub. 
Ladies: If you're wearing 6-inch heels and can bend down and touch the floor without falling over, you're good to go for another drink.
If she hears a noise in the middle of the night, you get up and check that shi t like a man if you want your balls sucked instead of punched.
I'm a bit concerned guys. This is a great place to escape, but you can't hide from Liam Neeson once he realizes you've been making fun of him.
If you thought AJ McCarron's girlfriends breasts were unreal, you should see Manti Te'o's girlfriend's.
the facebook app...its like combining ESPN with Weather Channel & some occasional drama
Who"s gonna win the Super Bowl? I predict Harbaugh wins hands down.
"I know, baby, I'm lonley too" I whiper to the no show sock as we search for its mate.
Being born was such a shock that I didn't speak for nearly two years afterwards...and still not normally.
just remember guys, your problems are your problems but her problems are OUR problems...
Fatass Quanicka ruined Casual Friday for every this past Friday......Sh e wore shorts
I'm white, but not "says yes indeedy" white. No siree Bob!
Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "I wore a rubber?"
I'm sorry to say, I won't be on Facebook anymore,.....see there's this ticket that I played today, and long story short....I've got to go change my identity now! Bye!
I love riding my red Mustang into work,,, but I am tired of people complaining about horse crap in the parking lot.
Office crime is real people! I was just held up at PowerPoint.
God made cousins so that parents can compare our marks.
Lord, please forgive these gas prices, for they know not what they do to my pockets...
Even the Fonz couldn't look cool chasing a ping pong ball.
I don't really hit women, I'm English, I get my butler to do it.
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