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Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poisonous. 
Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. I'm going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.
Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills, Since I'm sleeping on the couch !!!
This rapper Pitbull says he was built for the war but I don't think he means active service, he's a soldier like Beyonce.
Insomnia was a much more lonelier and sadder place before FB. Now I just can't wait to sleep 2 hours and have a miserable day.
I’m starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.
Sharknado enough said!
What is this world coming too when people are more afraid of mosquito's than HIV?
Chris brown had a stroke..... - Rihanna
Never touch a guys computer, unless you're on birth control.
If you have to fight someone’s love then you’ve already lost that battle.
How much for this stat us? Sir, it was on here yesterday. I must have it!
My dentist said I can't play Candy crush cause I have cavities.
I'm thinking the Who should change their name to the Two. Just sayin!
I am forever upgrading WHATSAPP but I never see no godamn difference.
How is everyone holding up? It's been a crazy night! I have just beheaded 30 zombies. But why the hell are they all carrying candy?!?
Well I smell my wife cooking dinner. It's times like these when I wish I had a dog.
Just got the giant cardboard check folded up and crammed in my wallet from the Publishing Clearinghouse Sweepstakes I won from 1996.
Empty your wine glass, stuff your turkey's. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
I wonder why George Bailey never told Mr. Potter to just SUCK IT... 