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We are living in a age where losing our mobile phone is more hurtful than the break up! 
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
I'm the first one to admit when I'm I'm wrong. I just never is.
Somebody water board me with alcohol!!!
If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.
You never realize you need toilet paper until it's too late.
Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.
Well, personally I haven't met Mrs Right but I have met her evil twin, Mrs Always-Right.
Find what you love and let it kill you.
No Gramma, It's not the Oompah Loompah show, it's Jersey Shore.
rode into town on my horse. not worth it, I had to pick up his poo with a snow shovel and a hefty bag.
I have no idea, buy I'm craving Pi like crazy today!
Beer is made from hops and barley. Hops and barley are whole grains. Therefore Beer is healthy. You're welcome
You're as useless as pants on a hooker.
just set my alarm for 2013, this year already sucks
My friend recently died whilst playing golf. Police say they are unsure what the cause of death was but I'm certain it was a stroke.
Nothin' makes me feel whiter than when the Beastie Boys start rockin' out on my iPod... and I'm ok with that. :)
"Get off your high horse!" - Veterinarian who prescribed medical marijuana.
I believe aliens are real. If I didn't, I would seriously question my mental health cuz SOMEBODY'S been mowing my lawn on a weekly basis.
Oh you can drink a beer in 10 seconds? You must have a very productive liver. 