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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."
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05-25-2017 08:48
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Want to entertain the kids? Play a game of Duct Duct Tape.
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05-25-2017 08:54
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If coffee was a drug, my last name would be Winehouse.
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05-25-2017 08:54
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I have an irrational fear of Disco Music. It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.
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05-25-2017 08:55
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Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.
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05-25-2017 08:55
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So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.
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05-25-2017 08:55
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Batman based his superhero name off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero name would be "interactingwithpeopleman"
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05-25-2017 11:02
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Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.
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05-25-2017 18:08 by
Pj
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The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
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05-25-2017 18:12 by
Pj
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Now you got me asking myself? Why does Disco Music give me Night Fever and the Heebie Bee Gees Bees?
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05-25-2017 22:35 by
Pj
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
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05-25-2017 23:33 by
snotty
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23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.
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05-25-2017 23:56 by
snotty
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I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.
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05-26-2017 06:31 by
Mills
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My wife worked my ass off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.
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05-26-2017 09:55
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An Example of complete business failure due to professional Negligence is a PREGNANT Prostitute
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05-27-2017 06:53
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Someday they will discover the center of the universe and a lot of people are going to be pissed to find out it isn't them.
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05-27-2017 08:28
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I shoved a plunger up gayray's crack in CVS bathrooms. They're no longer having a rubber sale.
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05-27-2017 19:30
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Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.
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05-27-2017 22:08
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Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"
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05-27-2017 22:28
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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05-29-2017 07:24 by
unknown comic
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