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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.
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05-24-2017 15:47 by
@breakfastbeerz
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Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school
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05-24-2017 15:48 by
@breakfastbeerz
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"You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.
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05-24-2017 15:48 by
@breakfastbeerz
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"You look stunning in that outfit, but you'll look even better once I take it off" ~ Me, unwrapping beef jerky.
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05-24-2017 15:49 by
@breakfastbeerz
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"Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.
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05-24-2017 15:50 by
@breakfastbeerz
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I was going to sweep her off her feet until she flew away on my broom.
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05-24-2017 15:51 by
@breakfastbeerz
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Oh.... you wanted a "Fidget" spinner. *Tells 4'8" guy he and his exercise bike can go home.
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05-24-2017 15:52 by
@breakfastbeerz
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"Clean up in aisle 5" has a very different meaning in a porn shop.
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05-24-2017 15:52 by
@breakfastbeerz
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You look like the kind of girl that gets her sex tips from a grocery store tabloid.
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05-24-2017 15:53 by
@breakfastbeerz
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HELP WANTED: Seeking motivated and goal oriented individual to validate me on the internet.
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05-24-2017 15:54 by
@breakfastbeerz
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I'll be doing book signings today at Barnes & Noble until they kick me out for writing in random books.
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05-24-2017 16:54 by
pj
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Sir Roger Moore has died aged 89. His family are said to be shaken but not stirred.
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05-25-2017 01:30
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Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby
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05-25-2017 02:12
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Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
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05-25-2017 08:12
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I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.
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05-25-2017 08:44
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I think about making love every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.
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05-25-2017 08:45
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I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.
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05-25-2017 08:45
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It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
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05-25-2017 08:46
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My meth lab on Farmville blew up. FML.
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05-25-2017 08:47
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Don't break anybody's heart; they have only one. Break their bones instead; they have 206.
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05-25-2017 08:48
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