Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I put on my pants the same as everyone else. Reluctantly.

   If 007 can sport a romper who are you to judge? Goldfinger & a Romper!

   The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.

   Employee: We have to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

   If a gynecologist uses an instrument called a speculum, does a proctologist use an instrument called a reculum?

   If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?

   When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   I walked in my girlfriend cheating on me with a 6 '8 280 lb Linebacker all I said was " Yo Sis, Dinner is ready"

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go through life thinking we had no faults at all

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmill, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago

   Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed

   They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge.

   Literally the day after the special investigation and this is found. Count your days Teabillies, back to the trailer parks you go.

   I was once bitten by a rattlesnake. After three days of painful suffering and writhing in agony it finally died.

   My exercise program consists of following women at the store who are wearing tight yoga pants.

   CNN just published a study that states if you skip breakfast, eat a light lunch and a big dinner, you won't lose weight. In a related study, fire is hot...

   Roger Ailes (1940-2017) is survived by Satan, Cerberus and Bill O'Reilly.

   Ted Cruz arrested for cannibalism after eating a bowl of Jell-O