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Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 
Money doesn't buy happiness! Hold on, let me finish scratching these Lotto tickets.
Happy Mothers Day!! For those who aren't Moms and want to be I'm available!!!
Someone should tell all the police officers, teachers, firefighters and military people that apparently the *real* heroes are gays that go public.
I cut my finger when changing the spark plugs on my car. This proves that it *is* possible to get blood out of a tune-up.
Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.
Women love taking showers in boiling hot water, because it reminds them of hell, where they come from ...
Anonymous goes to doctor. During the prostate exam he says, "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurting me, can you take it off?"
The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch."
No surprise Penn State is in the bad news category again, they are a conservative school. Smh.....
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded... Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Dr: You'll be at peace soon. Me: Am I dying? Dr: No, your wife is...
The easiest person to make fun of today would have to been the Walmartian who was stalking the corn dog samples.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
A Jehovah's Witness guy showed up at my door so I invited him, I sat him down and said, "So, what do you have to tell me?" He said, "I don’t know, I've never made it this far."
Confucius say wife who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn't easy.
I'm so old, I remember when being a socialist made you a Nazi or a Communist
Do they have Twitter in prison? I'm asking for a friend....
Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family
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