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The teacher asked me what book I read this summer & I said, "Facebook." 
One thing vampire children are taught at a very young age is, never run with a wooden stake
Maybe I like my dirty mouth.... Orbit... you're NEVER getting in me.
I attacked that beer like it was a defenceless woman in a carpark.
I just found spider crawling up my leg. I wanted to kill it but I missed so I cut off my leg instead.
Does anyone have an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle...in their garage..they no longer want ? Ralphie here is driving me crazy.
TOWEL MAN : If you're wet, call me!
if I were sitting in a jail cell right now, why would you think I was there? ;)
Women, your future is bright... Once you perfect driving we will have something else to celebrate... Too bad it's never going to happen!
never on schedule...and always LATE!
Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one
going to the church of disneyland where pastor mickey loves everyone UNCONDITIONALLY.
Just to let you know, Tequila and Tazers are a bad combo. We will miss you Sparky.
You might as well do your Christmas hinting early...
morning radio shows exist to read the internet to old folks.
whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.
I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.
needing a triple shot of that juice!
I feel like Charlie Sheen...I'm doing lines of code off the <table>
I still haven't set my clock forward and refuse to acknowledge the time change. I'm not losing an hour of my weekend 