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I told my boss I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health." 
Let’s pretend like we just went camping. When you wake up the next morning, you notice that your underwear is on backwards. Would you tell anyone about it? If your answer is no, do you want to go camping?
Woke up this morning to find mets In 1st place . Then I realized my phone was upside down
I'm going to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by puking tequila and gorditas on the side of a Taco Bell. i
This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.
Cinco de Mayo makes me long for a world in which all holidays are conveniently named after the dates on which they fall.
What is the big deal about Cinco De Mayo. I've been drinking my ass off Everydayo of Mayo.
Difference between cinco de mayo and St Patrick day is that no one wants to be a Mexican on cinco de mayo
Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.
Why can't Star Wars fans ever get laid? Because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening
a man was making love to a village girl without protection.... she-you are not using protection,i hope you don't have AIDS? him-no,i don't have AIDS she-thank God,i don't want to get that thing again! the guy fainted
Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema
Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.
How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.
"The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.
We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.
Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.
So, someone stole my credit card number last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?
If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?
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