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Stevie wonder is blind and can play the piano but I can't get a text back 😒 
Gray Matter Matters
have my Siri set up as a British Male voice so I can pretend I'm Nightrider or make people think I have a Butler .
I now have a very strange sensation that the world will end now Bowie is dead
"The righteous are those who feed the poor, the orphan and the captive for the love of God, saying: 'We feed you for the sake of God Alone; we seek from you neither reward nor thanks.'"
So I am making a bean/corn salad/salsa recipe and it askes for ground cummin. I'm like... uh, eww and then I'm like well I have it and it's free but exactly how do you grind it?
Hi, I'm the new Milkman,,,,,,,Would you like it in the front or back?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
heard bieber was supposed to be on the malaysian flight... sigh...
If it's fat, drunk, and slow, it must be Chicago
A thief broke into my house last night searching for ‘Money’ …. I joined him in the search.
What if April Fools day doesn't really exist and it's actually the longest/greatest prank the world has ever seen......?
I bet the beeps the Malaysia search crews are hearing, are old sailor's pagers that fell overboard... them batteries lasted forever.
Hawaiian Airlines is now offering cheaper flights to Honolulu, with only a single stop to change wheel wells at San Jose.
I just tore the tag off my mattress................... What you gonna do Obama?
can you get pregnant from unprotected text?
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face! Duh!
had some Korean meatballs last night. They were the dog's bollocks.
A friend of mine said that being gay wasn't so bad, but sometimes it's a real pain in the ass ツ
The back of my ears smell like parmesan cheese. 