Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

   If your friend doesn't lift a finger to help you...it is time to first lift a finger and then lift five fingers to wave goodbye!

   Dear alarm clock, that stunt you pulled this morning waking me up was not funny at all. Next time you wake me up early you will see me with a hammer in my hands

   just found out that the next Hannah Montana will be played by Justin Bieber!

   Statistics show that plus size women are worth $10 billion to the fashion industry...ha ha that's nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry!

   You aren't the first woman to have a baby so EVERY status update doesn't have to mention what the baby did, ate or is wearing!!!

   just read an ad in the paper about " free to good home, Hampster, slightly used." whats that all about?

   salutes Dr. Seuss, who died today in 1991. Cats in hats, green eggs, Whoville? Thanks for the inspiration to take drugs!

   god I was so late for work today that I was almost early for my next shift

   "More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Okay has anyone ever stopped to think how pissed of, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be once released from the barrel?

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy owed me a lot of money!'

   When you're crying & someone asks you if you're sad, punch them in the face and ask them if they're ok?

   Kid, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

   Katy Perry's cleavage too much for Sesame Street "HELLO" Elmo is naked

   Every hard boiled egg is yellow inside.

   modest and proud of it.

   This is some bullish!t. My leg fell asleep before me... :(

   If I ever reach a point where the best part of waking up is foldgers in my cup....... I'm not sure I wana wake up

   I pay a lot of money to get that vanilla/coco butter smell in my car. I want hookers to feel welcome, not like they're stepping into a death trap.

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.