Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?

   They say that ignorance is bliss but I find it rather disturbing.

   If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons

   Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes

   According to the United Nations' World Happiness Report, Norway is the happiest country in the world. They must not watch The Kardashians.

   The moment Steve Bannon tells you to keep your mouth shut is the moment you start yelling as loud as you can.

   A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.

   Twisted Personal Ads: SWM seeking SWF. Age, ethnicity and religion not important. Nymphomaniacal tendencies and chronic laryngitis are a plus. Please reply to Box OU692

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?

   Auditioning for the television show Storage Wars. ME: Paper cup? $50. Plastic spork? $35. Used tissue? $75. I think I got this audition in the bag!

   Future Job For Kellyanne Conway: Starbucks Barrista.

   "Don't be afraid to walk away. Make crazy claims you can't back up. Blame everyone else. Whine. Sit in a big truck." -- The Art of the Deal

   So far the only things drained from the swamp have been truth, dignity and legislative ability. Cool hats though.

   This just in ... aliens no longer want to be taken to our leader.

   My toddler just demonstrated far superior negotiation skills than the President in talking his way into a cookie before dinner.

   Oh, did you say Russia? We thought you were asking if we colluded with Prussia.

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.