Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   How dare Emma Watson pose nude for publicity? Who does she think she is, the First Lady?

   Job Hunting Tip: Before you go into a job interview, Dump Gatorade over your head so everyone knows your a winner.

   Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"

   I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

   Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

   I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   Tom Brady's jersey would have never been stolen if we had a wall. There, I said it.

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony

   The President woke up this morning and said "I don't think we have been corrupt enough yet. There must be more lies we can tell. Get Devin on the phone."

   CNN has confirmed the intercepted communication was a call to a brothel ordering a young lady willing to pee on an old man. The John was unnamed, but everyone could tell who it was.

   Be careful if you are driving around DC this week. Lots of key GOPers are throwing their credibility out the window. That sort of thing could damage innocent passersby.

   When it comes to acronyms, I believe that DILLIGAF is right "up there" with NASA.

   Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.

   When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

   Make sure you've got something of yourself left over for the ones that love you. 3 replies 65 retweets 121 likes

   If you don't know where you stand with people then walk away.