Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Future Jobs For Kellyanne Conway: Curator of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial Museum.

   So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?

   Steve Bannon spent St. Patrick's Day the way he spends every other day, drinking us all into oblivion.

   Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.

   The only snowflake that I'm proud about are the ones I turn yellow.

   How do you change the channel on your microwave? There’s a bunch of smoke poring out of this one. Guess it’s stuck on CNN.

   My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.

   North Korea and China are pretty much going to do what they want, because Asian culture does not respect Russian puppets.

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   Well, another year with no finacial aid. That's what you get when you're white, parents are still married and they both work for a living.....

   You’re smiling next to me…. In silent stupidity

   I went to visit my grandpa in the home and I asked him, Grandpa , do you know who I am.. He said NO , but if you go to the desk , they'll tell you .

   Today I watched Sean Spicer try to defend his boss's ridiculous positions. Later I saw a moose lick his own junk for five minutes. I'm not sure whether Spicer or the moose acted with more shamelessness.

   As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.

   Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.

   I need to lose weight. Baskin-Robbins just called my mom and told her because of me they're down to only 5 flavors.

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Looks like they'll be building condos on Sesame Street.