Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I slept like a log last night. Woke up this morning in the fireplace.

   I saw a pretty girl and asked her "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven" She jumped in and said "That's an old line." I told her "you didn't let me finish... I was saying "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven, like Satan?"

   If God wanted more people to attend church why doesn't he lower the price of gas?

   I hate when I'm on a first date and she goes, "I just know we'll be together forever." Then uses Crazy Glue instead of lube.

   I bet if you go to a restaurant with the Man VS Food guy he'll call you a p*ssy no matter what you order.

   I am Gadaffi stressed right now.

   Dear ladies. I know you are "twice the woman", but that doesn't mean you have to wear twice the swimsuit...A one-piece will do much better

   reading other statuses right now, but your status is important to me. Please stay online and your status will be read in the order it was received. Approximate wait time is 17 mins.

   do not go to Jareds...he's creepy.   He had no diamonds....just a huge pair of jeans that smelled like sandwiches and folds and folds of SKIN!

   In _____________ they consider counting sheep a wet dream.

   Remember, folks, today is National Punch A Politician Day, so don't forget to stop by city hall and take a number.

   So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.

   Our relationship with life itself is compared to a kidnapping situation. The only choice we have is to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome which means that if we don't symphatize with our kidnapper, it will screw us all up.

   can't wait in 60 years to see what senior citizens will look like in jordans, timberlands with the pants that hang to there ankles and the shirt thats 13 times too big.

   feels sorry for the blind girl at the beach today... she doesnt know how ugly her boyfriend is...

   wonders how many times he should ignore his girlfriend telling him she put her tampon in the wrong hole?

   The most useful tool in the office is the stapler, because if a coworker doesn't shut up you can staple his shirt to their chair and simply throw it at them.

   I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.

   ITS Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!

   Evil enters like a splinter and spreads like herpes...