Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Home and drunk before midnight, and not sleeping in the drunk tank with a roll of toilet paper as a pillow......woo hoo!!!

   I was thinkin bout her, thinkin bout me, what we gonna be? open my eyes, yeah... it was only just a dreammmmmmmmm .....

   Evidently that good samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   If it isn't less than I'm doing right now, then it's hardly the least I can do.

   I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

   Ever have one of those days when you just want to go home and take a long hot bath with a small electric kitchen appliance?

   thinks it's ironic that the man that brought the Segway to life was brought to death by his invention.

   Interesting piece of history: In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

   I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

   Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   wants a shag in front of the fire and one night stand, better head to Ikea

   Today, I saw a Proactive commercial with Justin Bieber as the spokesperson. Don't you have to go through puberty to have acne?

   dreaming the dream but living living the nightmare

   Cause I gave up smokin', Women and drinkin' last night And it was the worst 15 minutes of my life

   ~I almost made the mistake of doing some cleaning tonight. Luckily I realized Hoarders is on; so there will be no cleaning AND no guilt

   Know what I love???? Free handguns and Hard liquor night at the ball park!!! Ton's of fun!

   Road rage and profanity: The breakfast of champions.

   I flip that middle finger and that index finger follows. Deuces!

   Cruel irony: the owner of Segway died in a Segway accident yesterday. Google it, it happened.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.