Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.

   the White House just announced it is firing all the microwaves that were installed during the Obama Administration.

   How dumb am I? I'm so dumb, I put a battery in a glass of water to make an energy drink.

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   I was thinking about the wikileaks revelation that the cia records people through their cell phone. It occured to me that they must have millions upon millions of hours of nothing but the sound of a toilet flushing.

   When something big comes out from your life, smaller ones enter.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.

   My new home security system is a bunch of Tanaka airbags.

   How much douche could a douche bag douche if a douche bag could bag douche?

   Never owned a single pair of shoes in my life. I just keep renting them from the bowling alley.

   Alternative Fact: You can't get pregnant on Spring Break. Summer is the only time you can get pregnant.

   In her defense, Kellyanne Conway was misled by the toaster.

   Probably the coolest thing about dating me is knowing if we have sex I'll recite Wikipedia pages to help educate you.

   It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....

   Reasons to Support American Health Care Act: 1) Controls overpopulation. 2) Supports a minority (the 1%). 3) Helps millions (of cancer cells).

   The best thing about Daylight Savings Time is it shortens the current Presidental term by one hour.

   They have better health care in China at the robot factory that built Paul Ryan.

   Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a guy stopping for a cigarette.

   The percent of pre-marital sex within the animal world is rampant.