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Dear mom who just learned what "lol" means, ROTFLMFAO. Sincerely, good luck with that one :] 
I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist,, I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.
Even after a long day at work, I often take work related things home with me." ~ Me referring to the hot women from the accounting department.
If you ask me, Spongebob Squarepants is not a Sponge, he a Tampon.
Congrats to Lamar Odom. The first guy to have cocaine and bookers actually save his marriage.
look at this, it's a stick man rubbing his butt on the ground! ________&_________
I love my women like I love my whisky: twenty years old and mixed up with coke.
The dream if free. The hustle is sold separately.
i'm offened that people get offened
That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree, but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car
"What's in the box... WHAT'S IN THE BOX??!!!" Brad Pitt opening his wedding gifts.
One word: Ballgazi
All these FB quizzes are just today's horoscopes. BS designed to make women feel important in a man run world.
At 7-11 and the cashier rings my bottle of water up and asked me if I would like a bag to go with that? I asked her if she had anything good? We laughed and laughed...
Jacking off is all fun and games until someone walks in
Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard wasn't a reality show, my day is now shot.
The only time your woman screams your nam ein bed is when you fart in your sleep.
Why did humans invent hell, when there are enough real things to be scared of, like emotional commitment, marriage and a woman on her period.
Obama has driven me to a financial status that I can't tip delivery drivers if there's is a delivery charge anymore. Sorry guys, but minimum wage should be $10/hr soon so you'll be fine.
There once was a man from Salem. Who liked to break wind and inhale them... Then he'd burp with delight, a despicable sight. But you wouldn't need a blood hound to trail him...
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