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When someone you love walks away, they take your entire world with them. 
"Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"
BREAKING NEWS: The pilot of the missing Malaysian plane was known to go by the name Waldo.
... If sex is a pain in the a$$ ̶t̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶w̶r̶o̶n̶g̶ … Use more LUBE
trying to think of good booger jokes, but it snot working.
It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes. Then I remember, I have a girlfriend.
Have you ever just stopped and thought... "I was once inside my father's balls" ( ._. )
I don't believe the BS about GMO'S being bad for you ! I just had a leg of Salmon and it was delicious .
I don't understand why male paedophiles, who likes male children, don't consider themselves gay.
I tried everything last night to get the baby to sleep.Finally after 5 bottles he went down.He's going to have a bad hangover!!
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
Pump Up The Volume ιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlι
Just got a new dog..Named him " Stay " Freaks all our friends out when we say" Come Here...Stay "
Why do people think Memento is so much better than Dude Where's My Car? They are basically the same movie.
a few days ago, started using a new deodorant. The instructions read, "remove cap and push up bottom". Now he can barely walk, but when he breaks wind, the room smells awesome.
Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.
WOOHOO!!!! IT'S FRIDAY!!!!! Wait a damn minute, I'm working 7 10's, every day is a god damn Monday for me.
wishes Brett would just go away. Favre, Favre away.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile! I was shocked! That's such a big word for a 5 year old 