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Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman. 
once had a Hangover so bad I had to put sneakers on the cat
Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad. I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas 'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad
Today's secret word is "Drama". If you hear somebody say it scream real loud and knock them out. Ready? Go try it.
when life handsyou lemons,make Grilled King Prawn Salad with Lemon, Chilli and Dill Sauce
..Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
realized you can continue to vomit LONG after you thought you were done.
go on google,type why are a' and look at the first and fifth results in the auto fill
Why do banks leave both doors open but they chain the pens to the counter?
teaching my dog to remove comdoms like I taught it to remove my socks wasn't a real smart idea... Just saying, thats all... =\
Worried about traveling on Turkey Day, the full body scan screener may think I have a rilfe in my pants.
Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?" Jesus: "Yes." Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus." Jesus: "I forgive you."
You know who else says I'M FINE when they are clear not fine? Satan
When you unlike my humanitarian posts, I think you're on the beast side, I imagine a person with an extreme antisocial disorder, say an undetected killer or with potential to be a serial killer.
I got kicked out of the supermarket for comparing apples and oranges. Manager said "you can't do that cause it would be like co..forget it."
Getting my car fixed my a stoned mechanic. I know,, I know,, he's high maintenance
Free Jay-z concert tickets were given out for Obama voters!!!
What's the difference between The New England Patriots and a p0rn star? The p0rn star doesn't ch0ke on the big ones.
Food stamps are the new “Hey, I finished SOME community college.”
Not all guys want multiple girlfriends at the same time... 1 is enough trouble.
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