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education should be free for those willing to learn 
David Boudia.... the first US man to win platform diving gold since Greg Louganis, and just as gay.
Your chances of becoming an Olympic Athlete are less than 1 in 10,000. Think about that for just a second. All Olympians should be proud of just having the opportunity to participate.
On your GPS you have options such as "AVOID TOLLS" or "AVOID HIGHWAYS"..... they REALLY need to add "AVOID GHETTO"....
Ugh I hate when I go to shoot someone with a gun and then realize I accidentally packed my hot glue gun and end up scrapbooking for hoourrrs
When you mess up a guy’s hair, he thinks it’s cute, but when you mess up a girl’s hair, just hope you’re wearing something bulletproof.
Today, I was chauffeured around town by a white guy. If only my great great great great great great great grandfather could see this.
Apparently anal sex is illegal in Iceland. Sadly enough for the American tax payer it's not an issue
if I had a nickel for every girl I slept with, I'd have...like...some nickels...
Capitalization is the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse".
If you think it's impressive that the US got a gold medal in the air rifle event, just wait and see how they do in the mass shooting category!
Fox News .. we put the @ss in seaxual harassment.
Look at that! I'm too late, perfect timing.
Million dollar idea: Uber but for gift wrapping. That way my wife wouldn't think an epileptic monkey on crack wrapped her gift.
If this guy making my damn sandwich goes as a sloth for Halloween I guarantee he will nail it!!
Since when is it unconstitutional for an acting president to seek help from a foriegn country to win an election?
NY and California have he highest number of inbred marriages and incest. So I would say ALOT.
I was enjoying watching a monkey at the zoo flinging his poop at all the spectators until I realized I was at home and watching the daily White House presser.
The President woke up this morning and said "I don't think we have been corrupt enough yet. There must be more lies we can tell. Get Devin on the phone."
You like flowers, we DON'T! We are happy to buy it for you. Don't make us like flowers. 