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Just had 2 thoughts during my massage. 1.I hope my body is not in an odd position when I die. 2.I don't think I've ever seen a live otter." 
Rain, and gloom every day......like Forks, but no hot vampires
I thought my dog was crazy for humping the air... then one day I tried it. It's pretty underrated
"Archaeologists Discover First-Ever Gay Caveman." I'm calling it now: "Glee-anderthal: The Musical." That one's free, Hollywood.
Single guys need to get a fake ring. I've been hit on more in the last year since I have been married than in a LONG time. You women are scandalous, making me buy a bigger memory card for my contact list and all. Geesh!!!
Hey Old Navy Mannequins, stop trying so hard, you're embarrassing yourself.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begging, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're wishing you had a club and a spade.
"Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby."
The NFL should have had Justin Bieber sing the National Anthem. What would be more un-american than Christina Aquilera forgetting the lyrics? A Canadian singing our National Anthem. (p.s. the camera still adds 40 pounds even if you are wearing black)
can't believe Mark Zuckerberg has a stalker. It's not like he puts all of his information out there or anything.
Shirt tail under chin, shorts around ankles, both hands on pecker.......I just "little boy" peed
HA HA HA! People believed it was all going to end today. I mean, really, an ancient calendar is actually going to predict the end of the wor.......
Turning over a new LEAF doesn't mean I've changed~I'm still the same TREE~Jus using different branches to feel the sunshine in life~I've had enough of the shade
MDS stand for multiple dumbass syndrome
a girl called me once and said come over, nobody is home! I went there and she was right, nobody was home
optimistic people say "nobody is perfect" ......all my haters say "he's nobody"....even my haters think i'm perfect
thinking about smashing my face through this screen and becoming Seal for Halloween
The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.
Q: what does a nosy pepper do? A: it gets jalapeño your business. (o.O)
when I try to solve a hard crosswword puzzle I try nor to get 2 down 